Boundaries During the Holidays: What to Do when You Don’t Feel Heard.
Boundaries during the holiday season often evoke a range of emotions, regardless of the individual's circumstances.
While boundary setting can be challenging in itself, the holiday season makes it particularly challenging. Check out the information below to learn more about boundary setting and how to manage difficult conversations.
When we hear the word "boundaries," it can create immediate unease. But why? Perhaps boundaries were never modelled to you. Perhaps you worry about hurting someone’s feelings (where are my people-pleasers at?). Or maybe the people in your life are not receptive to boundaries… which may leave you feeling even more determined to set some! No matter the reason, I am here to tell you that boundary setting can be done in a kind and intentional manner. You can also be as gentle or assertive as you feel comfortable. Boundaries are a way of communicating our needs and limits. They can help us create comfort and safety in our relationships with others.
For those of you who are curious about how to set a boundary or what to say, here are a few common holiday scenarios:
Scenario: You are invited to an event, but know you do not have the time or that it would be too overwhelming for your family.
Boundary setting: Thank you for the invitation, but I am unable to attend. (Remember, NO is a complete sentence; you do not need to explain if you do not wish to.
Scenario: A family member pressures you to give your child more treats and a later bedtime.
Boundary setting: “[Insert your child’s name here] has had enough and enjoys their nightly routine, so we will be sticking with it.”
Scenario: Relatives pressure you to let them hold your newborn.
Boundary setting: “[Insert your child’s name here] is comfortable with me right now, but thanks for the offer.” OR “I am more comfortable keeping [insert your child’s name here] with me.”
AND if the person continues to challenge your boundary, you might follow up with:
“I already let you know that I am not comfortable with other people holding my baby, and I would appreciate it if you could respect my decision.
If that feels too firm, you might say: “Postpartum has been difficult for me, and it would make me feel supported if people did not continue to ask me to hold my baby.
Scenario: You receive an invitation to a family Christmas lunch at 12 pm, and your family is unwilling to change the time, even though that is when your infant takes their nap.
Boundary setting: “As you know, [insert your child’s name here] naps at that time, so we may not be able to make it or we may come late.”
If your family becomes upset by this, you may say: “We understand that you are hosting and appreciate that. However, that is when [insert your child’s name here] goes for their nap and we will not be changing their sleep schedule.”
Scenario: You have attended a holiday gathering, and your family member does not want you to leave and pressures you to stay longer.
Boundary setting: “We really enjoyed our time with you but we are going to head home now. Thanks for a fun night!”
Scenario: You show up to a holiday function and get asked repeatedly about "when you will be having a baby".
Boundary setting: I would prefer not to discuss this topic OR this is actually a sensitive topic for me that I would prefer not to talk about.
*If you feel that you want to educate someone in these moments this is always an option. That being said, it is not your responsibility and you can choose what is best for you in these situations.
Boundary setting may be particularly challenging for parents. It may seem like the Christmas magic is intertwined with everyone having the opportunity to spend time with your little one. Sometimes it can feel like you are just trying to accommodate everyone around you while you barely slow down to enjoy the holidays yourself. As a person and a parent, you also get to choose what the holidays look like for your family. While some people may embrace the holiday chaos, others may wish for moments of peace. There is no right or wrong answer; it is simply identifying what is best for you and communicating that to the people around you. In some situations, we might not feel that setting a boundary is worth the ensuing argument. Ultimately, you get to decide what is best for you!
Truths about boundary setting:
Setting boundaries is healthy and can enhance our relationships with others.
You do not need to apologize for setting a boundary.
Boundary setting can take time and practice; it is a skill.
You have a right to leave a situation if you set a boundary and it is not respected.
Boundaries are personal and can look different for everyone.
No is a complete sentence.
My hope for you this holiday season is that you feel empowered to set boundaries and protect your peace. We all deserve to enjoy the holidays. As a gentle reminder to everyone, we never know what someone may be experiencing. While it may not be intentional, such questions can leave individuals feeling isolated, uncomfortable, hurt, and blindsided. Many people experience challenges related to endometriosis, infertility, and pregnancy loss. Let's work together this holiday season to help everyone feel comfortable!
Written by: Megan Ivancic- Registered Psychologist, passionate about supporting clients through: Mom Rage, loss, perinatal mental health issues and more. Megan also provides equine therapy and works closely with horses and our clients to help with healing after trauma.