“Maybe This will be My Year: Navigating a New Year with Pregnancy Loss and Fertility Struggles.”
Every January, the phrase returns: This will be my year.
For many, it sounds hopeful. For those carrying infertility, pregnancy loss, or birth trauma, it often lands differently, as pressure instead of possibility.
Trauma changes how the body relates to time and the future. After reproductive or perinatal trauma, the nervous system isn’t oriented toward “what’s next,” it’s oriented toward what’s safe. So when someone says, “this will be my year,” a traumatized body may hear: Don’t fail again. Don’t hope too hard. Fix what happened. Hurry up. Can you feel the weight of all of that just reading it, never mind if we were actually carrying it.
Instead of excitement, the body often responds with vigilance, tightening, and quiet grief. It can feel the expectations and pressures placed on it and goes on guard to protect you.
One impact of trauma is a foreshortened sense of the future; what this means is that imagining ahead can feel emotionally risky after plans and expectations have already been shattered. This isn’t pessimism; it’s protection. Trauma doesn’t erase hope; it changes its posture. It teaches hope to move more carefully. And as we know, hope after pregnancy loss and fertility struggles can feel almost impossible or slightly out of reach.
The problem with declaring a year is that bodies don’t heal on timelines. Pregnancies don’t obey affirmations. And trauma doesn’t reset on January 1st. If only it were that easy. When the year is framed as something you must conquer, people often internalize failure when life stays complicated.
You don’t need a better year. You need a safer one. And I get why we feel the need to rush into the joyful moments, to finally get there, and after years of working in the field, and personal experience, I know that safety is the foundation that gets us there. We need time and permission to grieve, to sit with the pain that comes with every time we hoped and our hearts did not get what they ache for.
Healing after reproductive and perinatal trauma is less about transformation and more about stabilization. That looks like building regulation, agency, and capacity before expectation. Instead of asking, " Will this be my year, a trauma-informed question sounds more like, “What would help my body feel safer this year?”
Sometimes that looks like quieter intentions:
Rest without apology.
Say no to triggering spaces.
Let grief coexist with forward movement.
Take small, honest steps instead of perfect ones.
Sometimes adjusting our language really does help, so if “This will be my year” feels too sharp, try something gentler:
This will be a year of listening to my body.
This will be a year of building safety, not pressure.
This will be a year where healing doesn’t have to perform.
And if you’re not ready to name the year at all, that’s okay too. You don’t have to be hopeful to be moving forward. Sometimes the bravest orientation after trauma is simply, I’m still here, and I’m allowed to move slowly.
Not a perfect year.
Not a productive year.
But a more self-compassionate one.
Written by: Dr. Teela Tomassetti (PSYD)- Teela offers support across Canada and specializes in birth trauma, pregnancy loss and fertility struggles
Boundaries During the Holidays: What to Do when You Don’t Feel Heard.
Boundaries during the holiday season often evoke a range of emotions, regardless of the individual's circumstances.
While boundary setting can be challenging in itself, the holiday season makes it particularly challenging. Check out the information below to learn more about boundary setting and how to manage difficult conversations.
When we hear the word "boundaries," it can create immediate unease. But why? Perhaps boundaries were never modelled to you. Perhaps you worry about hurting someone’s feelings (where are my people-pleasers at?). Or maybe the people in your life are not receptive to boundaries… which may leave you feeling even more determined to set some! No matter the reason, I am here to tell you that boundary setting can be done in a kind and intentional manner. You can also be as gentle or assertive as you feel comfortable. Boundaries are a way of communicating our needs and limits. They can help us create comfort and safety in our relationships with others.
For those of you who are curious about how to set a boundary or what to say, here are a few common holiday scenarios:
Scenario: You are invited to an event, but know you do not have the time or that it would be too overwhelming for your family.
Boundary setting: Thank you for the invitation, but I am unable to attend. (Remember, NO is a complete sentence; you do not need to explain if you do not wish to.
Scenario: A family member pressures you to give your child more treats and a later bedtime.
Boundary setting: “[Insert your child’s name here] has had enough and enjoys their nightly routine, so we will be sticking with it.”
Scenario: Relatives pressure you to let them hold your newborn.
Boundary setting: “[Insert your child’s name here] is comfortable with me right now, but thanks for the offer.” OR “I am more comfortable keeping [insert your child’s name here] with me.”
AND if the person continues to challenge your boundary, you might follow up with:
“I already let you know that I am not comfortable with other people holding my baby, and I would appreciate it if you could respect my decision.
If that feels too firm, you might say: “Postpartum has been difficult for me, and it would make me feel supported if people did not continue to ask me to hold my baby.
Scenario: You receive an invitation to a family Christmas lunch at 12 pm, and your family is unwilling to change the time, even though that is when your infant takes their nap.
Boundary setting: “As you know, [insert your child’s name here] naps at that time, so we may not be able to make it or we may come late.”
If your family becomes upset by this, you may say: “We understand that you are hosting and appreciate that. However, that is when [insert your child’s name here] goes for their nap and we will not be changing their sleep schedule.”
Scenario: You have attended a holiday gathering, and your family member does not want you to leave and pressures you to stay longer.
Boundary setting: “We really enjoyed our time with you but we are going to head home now. Thanks for a fun night!”
Scenario: You show up to a holiday function and get asked repeatedly about "when you will be having a baby".
Boundary setting: I would prefer not to discuss this topic OR this is actually a sensitive topic for me that I would prefer not to talk about.
*If you feel that you want to educate someone in these moments this is always an option. That being said, it is not your responsibility and you can choose what is best for you in these situations.
Boundary setting may be particularly challenging for parents. It may seem like the Christmas magic is intertwined with everyone having the opportunity to spend time with your little one. Sometimes it can feel like you are just trying to accommodate everyone around you while you barely slow down to enjoy the holidays yourself. As a person and a parent, you also get to choose what the holidays look like for your family. While some people may embrace the holiday chaos, others may wish for moments of peace. There is no right or wrong answer; it is simply identifying what is best for you and communicating that to the people around you. In some situations, we might not feel that setting a boundary is worth the ensuing argument. Ultimately, you get to decide what is best for you!
Truths about boundary setting:
Setting boundaries is healthy and can enhance our relationships with others.
You do not need to apologize for setting a boundary.
Boundary setting can take time and practice; it is a skill.
You have a right to leave a situation if you set a boundary and it is not respected.
Boundaries are personal and can look different for everyone.
No is a complete sentence.
My hope for you this holiday season is that you feel empowered to set boundaries and protect your peace. We all deserve to enjoy the holidays. As a gentle reminder to everyone, we never know what someone may be experiencing. While it may not be intentional, such questions can leave individuals feeling isolated, uncomfortable, hurt, and blindsided. Many people experience challenges related to endometriosis, infertility, and pregnancy loss. Let's work together this holiday season to help everyone feel comfortable!
Written by: Megan Ivancic- Registered Psychologist, passionate about supporting clients through: Mom Rage, loss, perinatal mental health issues and more. Megan also provides equine therapy and works closely with horses and our clients to help with healing after trauma.
It’s okay to hate Christmas: Unpacking Grief and Loss During the Holidays
15 years ago today, my entire world, in the blink of an eye, completely changed. My Mom died. Just 16 days before Christmas, she had an unexpected heart attack, and she was just 49 years old. I went to bed excited for the upcoming Christmas holiday, having just gone Christmas shopping with my Mom a couple of days prior. As I got out of the car to say goodbye to her for what I wouldn’t realize would be the last time, she shouted at me from the car, “And make sure not to buy yourself anything before Christmas, I love you.” I laughed, waved and yelled back, “I love you.” And then a couple of days later, I woke up, and nothing was the same. I had lost my best friend.
My Mom was the ultimate “magic maker”, a single mother of three kids. After leaving an abusive marriage, I think she felt even more responsibility and pressure to make it perfect for us kids who were going through so much. She worked full-time to support us kids, but didn't make much and had no financial support from anyone, including our father. She did the very best she could. The tiny details that she thought of each year made it so magical. Because of her, I loved Christmas, and when I lost her, that sparkle immediately disappeared.
In the weeks to come after losing her, as we always are, I was surrounded by the “Christmas joy and cheer.” It was everywhere; I couldn’t escape it, and I constantly felt like I was drowning in it. All while navigating making funeral arrangements for your parent, picking out coffins, while others were picking out gifts to go under the tree. It felt so disconnected, because it was.
Christmas was her favourite time of year, and she died weeks before it. The anger that I felt in how unfair the universe was only began to grow, and over the next few years, I became the Grinch. And honestly, I liked it. The anger that I felt was protecting and guarding the pain, grief and loss that was too tender to share and express. And let’s be real, no one wants you to show that anyway. Much like so many other areas of our lives, we are only allowed to share the bright, sparkling parts. We tend to turn away from the dark parts, to tuck them away or ignore it. But there was no way I could. My body would remember the moment the weather shifted and the cold set in.
Society doesn’t help. We tend to engage in toxic positivity, and we demand a timeline on grieving. A year, at most. We allow those grieving to take up a bit of space those first few weeks, we offer condolences and show up to funerals or send flowers. And then people disappear when those grieving actually need them the most. We acknowledge that people will feel pain on the first anniversary, and then, subconsciously, inadvertently, and sometimes very obviously, let them know that time is up. It's time to move on and let go. But that is not how grief works. It comes in waves, in seasons, unexpectedly and like clockwork, in the “small” and “big” moments. It is what can feel like a never-ending process; there is no finish line.
The holidays are meant to bring people together, but often come with an unspoken script: be joyful, be grateful, and be festive. That script is a tall order for people navigating reproductive and perinatal trauma and the grief and loss that ensues. December has a way of amplifying what’s missing, what was hoped for, and what was taken far too soon. For those we support, they may see it transpire as: an ache for what “should have been”, increased emotional triggers, body memories and trauma reminders, with intensified loneliness and that pressure to perform and “be on.” It’s exhausting. And I wish we would rewrite the script, so that if the holiday season truly is about coming together, we accept people in their true forms, get curious about deeper connections and permit people to exist in the emotional state that their circumstances have left them in.
If you are wondering… it took me over a decade to reconnect to this holiday. It took me over a decade not to immediately break down crying when I heard a Christmas song or watched the snow fall. It took me over a decade to no longer be held hostage by the anger and resentment and embrace that I was hurting, that I missed her more than anger could express. It took over a decade for me to finally stop hating this season. How did I get there?
To the one navigating grief and loss during the holiday season… give yourself permission and don’t wait for others to provide it. Honour your grief, slow down while the rest of the world hurries on, and sit with the pain. Grieving them is truly how we honour those we have lost or the experiences we wish we had. Grief is another way to say this mattered. Surround yourself with those who get it and accept you, and if you can’t find them, look within. Self-compassion is what will get you through these times: that deep inner love for yourself and acceptance of where you are at. That is how we return to our sparkle, by holding ourselves and our experiences close, and acknowledging what it all really means to us.
How will I honour my Mom and my grief this year? I talk about her with my little girl at every opportunity. I tell her about memories connected to my Mom; we put up ornaments on the tree for her; we listen to Christmas songs my Mom loved; and we dance to them together. I show her pictures of her alone and her and me together. I let her know how much she is like her Grandma. And she sees me in my true state, in grief and love. I do not hide it from her, or minimize it, or quickly brush my tears away. I sit in it, and I invite her to witness that or sit in it with me, which she often chooses, as she longs to connect with her, too. As the years have gone on, I see so much of my Mom in me, and how I celebrate this time of year with my daughter. I have reconnected to my Mom and this season through love. Not forcing gratitude or moving on, but through love for my daughter and, most importantly, loving myself, every grinchy part that needed to exist over the years.
Written by: Dr. Teela Tomassetti, Registered Provisional Psychologist and Founder of the RPTC. Teela specializes in birth trauma, pregnancy loss and fertility struggles. Teela is a birth trauma survivor by way of an excessive postpartum hemorrhage. Picture -Teela and her Mom, Laura.
The “Magic Makers”: The Mental Load of the Holiday Season
I’m Amber, the admin here at RPTC. Like most Moms, I proudly wear the heavy, glittering hat of the Christmas Magic Maker in my family.
Juggling work, our home, school, activities, appointments, grocery shopping and being the primary parent is exhausting on a regular day. When you add in the relentless extras around the holidays, that exhaustion quickly mixes with the massive weight of the Magic Maker’s responsibility. Feeling pulled in a million different directions becomes my norm and I often forget about myself (more than usual). And let's be honest, most of the holiday prep we're doing on our own.
As I write this, I’m thinking I should probably be writing our family’s Christmas letter. That’s just one item on a list that seems to be never-ending: coordinating gifts, planning menus, writing cards, decorating, managing schedules, maintaining tradition, budgeting, cooking, and wrapping, just to name a few. This list goes outside of the home, spreading into daycare and school too; special outfits, treats, teacher gifts, etc. Seeing it all laid out, I know the expectations are unfair and impossible. Yet, every December, I inevitably find myself overwhelmed by my own unrealistic list. (My husband just leaned over and asked if I was writing the Christmas letter…)
This challenge is amplified when you're married to a shift-working first responder. I will never forget the Christmas I had to be Santa and the Tooth Fairy solo on the same night. My children are always asking what their Dad will and won’t be around for, and they always assume I will be there for everything. I’ve learned to plan my days assuming I’m solo parenting; if my husband is home (and awake during normal hours), that’s a bonus! I have spent enough holidays alone with the kids now to know that when friends and extended family want to plan something, I simply do not wait for his days off. While I want him to be included, I refuse to spend a holiday waiting around for him to get home while everyone else is with their loved ones. However, I am still learning to stay off social media on those days.
But over the years, as my kids have gotten older, I’ve gained a much better sense of what they truly appreciate and what I can happily take off my to-do list. There are the things I refuse to take off my list because they are actually things I enjoy even though the rest of the family might not. There’s nothing like driving around looking at Christmas lights, telling the kids to just be patient and at least be a little happy because THIS IS SOMETHING YOUR MOTHER WANTED TO DO.
I might not do all the Christmas baking from scratch this year, and that’s okay. Sometimes, it’s actually better to spend the time I would have been baking walking around a Christmas market with my kids and picking out someone else’s kitchen creations. While I am still going to carve out time to write the Christmas letter, I’ve learned to let go of the control in other areas and embrace delegation, a word that I am still uncomfy with, even after 11 years of motherhood!
My kids might want to put the window decals up and spell Christmas wrong, and that’s okay. It's actually really cute. My husband might go to the grocery store and buy a different brand of flour than I would (not as cute), but the cookies still turn out the same.
This ability to let go reminds me of an “Aha!” moment my husband and I had as new parents when our baby would never sleep. We realized there was probably someone who had devoted a lot more time and expertise into that particular area of life that we could hire to help us. It really does seem simple and silly to “forget to ask for help,” but I often forget this, especially during the holidays when I assume everyone else is too busy. So hire someone to do the cleaning, or put up the lights, that’s okay.
And Moms, surround yourself with people who support the decisions you’re making. My kids won’t be going to see Santa this year, and that’s okay. They don’t enjoy going, and I don’t particularly enjoy taking them! When you tell me you will be taking your kids to visit Santa, that is also perfectly okay and I will definitely be ‘hearting’ those photos when I’m scrolling in bed later!
I’m not sure if my hat is any less glittery this year as it was last, but I am trying my best, just like you. So this year, try to delegate tasks, subtract the things that only cause stress (like Santa visits or excessive baking), and support each other by celebrating the choices that lead to a calmer holiday!
Hyperemesis Gravidarum: The Truth Behind the Struggle
Hyperemisis Gravidarum (HG):
The Truth Behind the Struggle
Pregnancy is supposed to be a time of joy, excitement, and anticipation for a new life. But for many, the reality is much darker and far more isolating. If you're reading this, it's possible you're dealing with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (HG), a condition that goes beyond morning sickness, beyond nausea, and can feel like an unrelenting, crushing battle for both your body and mind.
I know this all too well. As a mother who’s experienced HG firsthand, I want to speak the raw, unfiltered truth about what it’s really like. HG is more than just feeling nauseous; it's a life-altering condition that can make you question how you’ll survive the next hour, let alone the next day.
What is Hyperemesis Gravidarum?
HG is a severe form of nausea and vomiting during pregnancy, far worse than the common “morning sickness” that many people experience. While most pregnant individuals might feel sick during the first trimester, those with HG face constant nausea and vomiting, leading to dehydration, weight loss, and an inability to keep food or fluids down. For me, it meant not being able to get out of bed for days on end, being hooked up to IV fluids in the hospital, and feeling physically broken every single day.
Unlike typical pregnancy nausea, HG doesn't magically go away after the first trimester. It lingers, sometimes for the entire pregnancy. You might feel like you’re drowning in your own body, constantly battling the urge to throw up, with no relief in sight. It’s a silent struggle, one that can be misunderstood or minimized by those who’ve never experienced it.
My Personal Battle with HG
I’m not just a therapist who helps clients through perinatal struggles; I am someone who has lived through it. I had two pregnancies marked by hyperemesis gravidarum, and I know exactly what it feels like to lose yourself in the struggle.
With my second pregnancy, I was caught off guard. I had already experienced HG with my first, but no one tells you that it could come back. The severe nausea and vomiting returned full force, and suddenly, I was once again dealing with the emotional toll that comes with this condition. I had to cancel plans, miss important events, and let down people I loved because I physically couldn’t get out of bed.
There were days I couldn’t even brush my teeth without vomiting. The mental and physical exhaustion felt like I was walking through quicksand. I felt trapped, both in my body and in my mind. I had moments of deep grief, grief for the experience I was missing out on, for the joy that should’ve been there, and for the person I had been before HG took over.
The Real Impact of HG: Physical and Emotional
HG doesn't just take a toll on your physical health. It affects your mental health, too. For me, the isolation was one of the hardest parts. No one really understands what you’re going through unless they've been there themselves. People will say, “Just try ginger, it’ll help!” or “Oh, I had morning sickness too!” But HG isn’t something that can be “fixed” with a few home remedies. It’s a long, relentless battle, and it leaves you feeling like you’re not even yourself anymore.
In my own journey, I struggled with feelings of guilt. I wasn’t able to enjoy my pregnancy. I wasn’t able to be the mom I wanted to be. I was often too sick to bond with my baby or even get excited about the milestones others might cherish.
But over time, I learned something incredibly important: it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to feel the grief, the frustration, and the hopelessness. This journey doesn’t make you any less strong, or any less capable. It simply makes you human.
Supporting Yourself Through HG
If you’re struggling with HG, know this: you are not alone. It may feel like the hardest thing you’ve ever gone through, but I want you to know that there is hope, even when things seem bleak. There is support, and there are ways to make it through the storm, even when it feels like you’re drowning.
Reach out for help. HG is a medical condition that requires professional care. Don’t be afraid to ask for support from your healthcare providers, and if you're not getting the support you need, don’t hesitate to advocate for yourself.
Accept help from others. I know it’s hard to ask for help when you feel like you should be able to “tough it out,” but this is not something you should face alone. Let your friends, family, and even your partner step in and help with daily tasks, even if it’s just making sure you have a glass of water beside you.
Prioritize self-compassion. You are not failing as a parent if you’re not able to enjoy your pregnancy. You are surviving, and that’s a huge achievement. Take things one moment at a time, and allow yourself to feel what you feel.
Final Thoughts
Hyperemesis Gravidarum is brutal, physically, mentally, and emotionally. But it’s important to remember that you don’t have to navigate it alone. Your experience is valid, and there are people who understand. Whether it's reaching out to a therapist, joining support groups, or finding others who’ve experienced HG, community and support can help you heal.
If you’re struggling with HG, please reach out. As a perinatal therapist, I specialize in supporting individuals and families through the most difficult times in their reproductive journeys. You are worthy of care and support, and you deserve to feel heard and validated.
What Every Parent Needs to Know after Pregnancy and Infant Loss
What Every Parent Needs to Know after Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Pregnancy and infant loss is one of the most devastating experiences a parent can endure. It’s a loss that is often invisible to the outside world, yet it reshapes everything inside of you. Whether it happens early in pregnancy or after birth, the grief that follows is real, valid, and life-altering. If you’re walking through this right now, or supporting someone who is, here are some things every parent navigating this should know.
Your grief is real, and it matters.
It doesn’t matter how far along you were or how others perceive your loss. Love begins the moment you imagine your baby, and so does grief when that life is gone. Many parents minimize their pain or compare themselves to others, because they didn’t get to hold their baby or because “it wasn’t as far along.” None of that changes the depth of your loss.
There is no timeline for healing.
Some days, you may feel like you can breathe again, and on other days, it may feel like the loss just happened. Grief isn’t linear, and society often offers misconceptions about it, as well as expectations on how someone should be “over it” by a specific time. Grief doesn’t work that way, it comes in waves. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting; it means learning to carry your loss alongside life, moving forward. Give yourself permission to take the time you need, not the time others expect.
Your body may carry reminders.
Pregnancy and infant loss isn’t only emotional, it’s physical. Hormonal changes, postpartum symptoms, milk production, and medical procedures can all amplify the pain. Be gentle with yourself. Your body is not failing you, it has carried love, and now it is navigating an ending it was never supposed to endure.The traumatic aspect of the experience is also taking a toll on your body impacting areas of the brain that are really important for our functioning each day are either on high alert now due to the loss or shutting down.
You are not alone, even if it feels like it.
One in four pregnancies ends in loss, yet many parents feel silenced by stigma and isolation. Sharing your story, hen you are ready and with safe people, can connect you to others who understand. Support groups, online communities, or even one trusted friend can remind you that your grief does not have to be carried alone.
Relationships may change.
Grief affects everyone differently, and that can be really difficult to understand when we are in the thick of it. You and your partner may grieve in opposite ways, one needing to talk, the other needing silence. Friends or family may not know what to say. Some may avoid you out of discomfort. This can feel like a second loss, or what we call in psychology, secondary losses. Surround yourself with people who can hold space for your grief without judgment or pressure.
It’s okay to hold both love and pain.
The constant push and pull of opposing emotions is exhausting. You may feel joy when you see a friend’s baby and devastation in the same breath. You may smile one moment and sob the next. This duality is part of grieving a child and is complex. Love for your baby will always live alongside the ache of their absence. Both are true, and both are allowed to take up space.
Remembering your baby is healing.
Naming your baby, creating rituals, keeping mementos, writing letters, planting a tree, all of these acts of remembrance are not signs of being “stuck.” They are sacred ways of honouring your child’s existence and keeping their memory alive in your family story. Inviting others into that experience can also be helpful.
Professional support can help.
Loss at this level shakes your nervous system, your identity, and your sense of safety. Therapy, support groups, and trauma-informed care can help you navigate not only the grief but also the anxiety, guilt, or depression that may follow. Reaching for help is not a weakness; it is part of how you survive this.
It’s okay if Hope feels Fragile.
In the depths of loss, hope may feel impossible. Many around you may have the expectation of you to move on, or to express gratitude or hope. You don’t have to. You are allowed to approach hope with caution; you are allowed to feel like it is an emotion that feels far away. The more we create space to understand hope’s fragility, the more likely we are to experience it truly again.
One more thought…
Your baby mattered. Your grief matters. And you deserve support as you navigate this heartbreaking path.
If you’re reading this in the rawness of fresh loss, know this: you are not broken. You are a parent, forever connected to the baby you love. And though this journey is unbearably heavy, you do not have to walk it alone.
Written by: Dr. Teela Tomassetti (PsyD)- Registered Provisional Psychologist, Perinatal Researcher and the Founder of RPTC. Teela is passionate about supporting birth trauma survivors and loss parents, as well as those struggling with fertility. Stay tuned for groups and workshops being offered by her in these areas. You can find her @theteaonbirthtrauma.
Real Talk- How Kids Change Your Relationship (and why it’s Important to Adjust)
Real Talk- How Kids Change Your Relationship (and why it’s Important to Adjust)
If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that kids absolutely change your relationship. Don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that parenthood is just a continuation of the same love story you had before kids. It’s not. And you know what? That’s okay. Relationships evolve, and when kids come into the picture, they shift the dynamic in ways you might never have imagined.
As a clinical counsellor and certified Bringing Baby Home educator, I’ve worked with countless couples who are navigating the transition from just the two of them to becoming parents. Through this training, along with my expertise in The Gottman Method, I’ve learned that one of the most important things couples can do is understand that the relationship has to be “relearned” three times in life: before kids, during kids, and after the kids leave the house.
Phase 1: Before Kids—You and Your Partner, Just You
Before kids, your relationship is probably all about spontaneous date nights, Netflix binges, and being able to talk for hours without any interruptions. You know each other’s rhythms, needs, and quirks, and there’s a sense of ease in your relationship. But when kids enter the picture, this dynamic shifts drastically.
In this pre-kid phase, you can afford to focus on each other, on your wants, needs, and desires. There’s time for connection, deep conversations, and moments of intimacy that are often put on the back burner after the kids arrive. But as exciting as the idea of adding a little one to the family is, it can also be intimidating, because you know things are going to change.
Pro Tip from the Gottmans: The foundation of a strong relationship is not about perfection, but about the couple’s ability to repair after conflict. This is something I bring into sessions- start practicing good communication habits early on, so that when kiddos come, you have the tools to navigate those inevitable bumps along the way.
Phase 2: During Kids—New Needs, New Challenges
This is where things really shift. The arrival of kids marks a seismic change in the relationship. Suddenly, your need, and your partner’s needs, are different. You go from being lovers and friends to co-parents, and that transition can be difficult.
Kids demand time, energy, and emotional resources. You may find yourself feeling exhausted, touched out, or emotionally drained after a long day of diaper changes, school runs, and temper tantrums. The spontaneous date nights disappear, and the deep conversations become a distant memory. The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of maintaining intimacy even during the most chaotic of parenting years. But here's the trick: it’s not always easy to nurture your relationship while keeping a small human alive.
Gottman Tip: The importance of bids for connection cannot be overstated. Even if you’re exhausted or overwhelmed, taking the time to acknowledge and respond to your partner’s emotional bids is crucial for keeping the connection intact. Whether it’s a quick touch on the arm or a 2-minute check-in before bed, these little moments of attention can make a world of difference.
This phase can feel overwhelming, but it’s also where your relationship can grow stronger than ever, if you allow it. Communicate about the changes you’re both experiencing, and don’t ignore your individual needs.
Phase 3: After Kids Leave—The "Empty Nest" Phase
Ah, the empty nest phase—your kids are grown, and suddenly, it’s just the two of you again. This phase can feel like a second honeymoon, or it can feel like you’re living with a stranger. Why? Because the dynamic has completely changed.
After kids leave, your relationship needs a whole new level of reconnection. You’ve both changed as people, as parents, and now it’s time to reconnect as partners. Without the distractions and responsibilities of raising children, you might find that you’ve grown apart in unexpected ways. But this phase doesn’t have to be awkward. In fact, it can be the most exciting phase of your relationship, if you approach it with intention.
Gottman Tip: You and your partner need to rediscover each other, and the goal is to be intentional about connection. This means carving out time for fun, adventure, and exploring new things together, just like you did in the early days of your relationship. It also means communicating honestly about your emotional needs and acknowledging that both of you have changed over the years.
The Key to Surviving All Three Phases: Communication and Flexibility
In each phase: before kids, during kids, and after, the key is communication. Your needs will shift, and if you don’t talk about it, that’s where the disconnect happens. Talk about what’s changing, what’s hard, and what’s helping. If you’re not on the same page, it’s easy to drift apart.
And if you’re in the middle of raising kids and feel like you’ve lost the connection with your partner, don’t panic. It’s common. Just make sure to actively work on reconnecting, be kind to each other, and continue to communicate through the different stages of your relationship.
Written by: Breanne Jones, Canadian Certified Counsellor, passionate about working with Perinatal Mental Health Issues, Birth Trauma, and Couples, to name a few. Breanne is based out of our Winnipeg, Manitoba chapter and sees Winnipeg folks in person. She also offers online therapy support across Canada. She is our COUPLES GURU and excels in the area!
6 Tips to Support your Own Nervous System as a Parent During Summer-6
6 Tips to Support Your Own Nervous System as a Parent During Summer
Summer can bring a mixture of emotions for parents and children alike. While we may be excited for the warm weather and summer fun… we might also be aware of the extra time to fill at home. The pressure and expectations to have an unforgettable summer or the daily TikTok and Instagram reminders that you only have ____ number of summers left with your children.
As parents, it can feel difficult to balance everything. This is your reminder to be gentle with yourself throughout these summer months. To help you thrive this summer (not just survive!), we have created a list of tips and reminders to keep in mind.
1.The Benefits of Boredom
As parents, we may feel the need or pressure to keep our children busy or entertained during the summer months. While activity planning can be enjoyable, it can also add extra stress for parents juggling multiple demands in their lives. The good news is that there are several benefits associated with boredom. It can provide opportunities for children to participate in unstructured play, engage their creative minds and enhance problem-solving abilities. It also gives the parent or caregiver a moment for themselves.
2. Co-regulation is Key
Although the summer months can be a time for connection and fun, they can also feel swamped. To support your child through the ups and downs of this summer, it is essential to make time for yourself. Prioritizing activities that bring you joy helps you show up for both yourself and your family. These acts of self-care can help us remain calm and regulated when emotions become heightened in the home. Remember, our little ones rely on us to teach them how to handle those big emotions that come up. Co-regulation allows our children to match our emotional state and navigate their own feelings and reactions. By staying grounded and calm ourselves, we are providing them with the feelings of safety and security to get through those moments.
3. Engage Your 5 Senses! (Sight, Sound, Touch, Taste, and Smell)
Summertime offers numerous opportunities to get outside and explore. Try engaging your children's five senses this summer. Encourage children to activate their five senses when in nature, noticing the sights, sounds, and smells around them. Perhaps collecting a few treasures on a nature walk, such as stones or walking sticks. These experiences can lead to mindfulness, which allows us to be fully present in the moment. It can also contribute to feelings of groundedness and emotional regulation. You can get the whole family involved and add in your elements, such as blowing bubbles, sidewalk chalk, and more.
4. Schedule Time for Quiet Activities
With everyone home during the summer months, we know that things can get loud and maybe a little chaotic at times. Scheduling short periods of quiet time for family members to participate in independent activities, such as reading, colouring, building with Lego, or taking a nap, can offer some moments of peace for parents and caregivers in need. In a society that constantly tells us to keep going and be productive, it's essential to start them early in understanding that rest is also productive. Encourage everyone to participate and take a moment to recharge.
5. Family Challenges
Get creative this summer with family challenges that bring everyone together towards a common goal. Make the challenge a day or a week long and brainstorm any age-appropriate activities that work for your children and family members. Does the dog need a walk? Dishes need to be put away? Floor needs to be cleared? Get everyone involved to help out and come up with a fun reward at the end of the challenge. For instance, a game night, pizza dinner, or a prize bin; whatever works best for you! These incentives can offer additional motivation for children to get involved and work together.
6. Reach out to your Support Network
This is your reminder that it’s okay to lean on your support networks and ask for help when you need it. Asking for help is not a weakness but a sign of strength. And a great tool to show your children how to do it early on in life, normalizing that we need one another. Alternatively, you can plan an outing for your child and bring someone along whom you enjoy spending time with. Creating opportunities for connection can enhance the outing for everyone.
You do not need to be a perfect parent during summer; you are allowed to show up as your authentic self and take care of yourself, too!
Written by: Megan Ivancic, Registered Psychologist, passionate about working with: Mom Rage, Perinatal Mental Health Issues, Birth Trauma, to name a few.
Trauma-Informed Care- not just a buzzword here
It all begins with an idea.
In recent years, the concept of trauma-informed care has gained significant traction across various fields, and let’s be real, it has become quite the buzzword. You don't have to look far from healthcare and education to criminal justice and social services to see the phrase used. But what does it truly mean to be “trauma-informed,” and why is it so crucial to the work that we do at RPTC?
What Is Trauma-Informed Care?
Trauma-informed care (TIC) is an approach that recognizes the widespread impact of trauma and understands potential paths for recovery. It shifts the traditional question from “What’s wrong with you?” to “What happened to you?”—promoting compassion, empathy, and understanding rather than blame or judgment. The goal is to create environments that are physically and emotionally safe, where individuals feel empowered and supported in their healing journey so that they can open up and break free from the silence that often keeps them stuck.
Understanding Trauma
Trauma is not limited to physical injuries or dramatic events. It encompasses a wide range of experiences that overwhelm a person’s ability to cope. It is truly a subjective experience and one that the individual does not choose, but their nervous system's clock that event or moment in time as trauma. What is upsetting to one may not be to the next. This is a deep consideration that we have for the work we do at RPTC. We acknowledge that each person who steps through our doors is unique, as is that nervous system, and that we need to consider how THEY view their story, not how we or society may come to understand it. Part of how we work with the communities we serve is having a thorough and clear understanding of how the brain works and the various areas that take a hit because of the traumatic event.
How does Trauma-Informed Care Show up at RPTC?
We know that it is truly the client who gets to decide if they have experienced trauma-informed care. And there are considerations that we make as a centre to help that to happen:
Safety: Ensuring physical and emotional safety for clients and staff.
Trustworthiness and Transparency: Building trust through clear, honest communication.
Peer Support: Incorporating voices and experiences of those with lived trauma.
Collaboration and Mutuality: Levelling power dynamics; everyone has a role in healing.
Empowerment, Voice, and Choice: Supporting individuals in making their own choices. Offer options to foster autonomy and self-agency.
Create predictable environments: Consistency fosters a sense of safety and stability.
Cultural, Historical, and Gender Sensitivity: Recognizing systemic trauma and addressing biases.
Language: We know the power of our words, and we choose them carefully.
Practice self-awareness: Reflect on our own reactions and potential biases.
CONSENT, CONSENT, CONSENT. Consent is our work's foundation and an ongoing process at RPTC.
The Benefits of Trauma-Informed Care
Why is this so important to us? Because the communities we support with birth trauma, pregnancy loss, fertility and infertility struggles, maternal and paternal mental health, endometriosis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Perimenopause, and IUD trauma, they all share a few things in common. Often, they express being harmed or not feeling heard by systems and other providers. They have frequently felt dismissed or minimized and as if they cannot take up space with their trauma. Many have dealt with isolation for years or even decades, and being in a trauma-informed environment allows the opportunity to break free from the isolation and move into healing.
Final Thoughts
Trauma-informed care is more than a checklist—it is more than a buzzword—it’s a philosophy that centers empowerment, dignity, and connection. In a world where trauma is more common than we often acknowledge, embracing this approach is not just compassionate—it’s essential. So, we will continue to amplify silenced experiences at RPTC and work from a trauma-informed lens. We may not always get it perfectly, but we will do our absolute best to try.
Dr. Teela Tomassetti, Founder and Registered Provisional Psychologist specializing in birth trauma.