Real Talk- How Kids Change Your Relationship (and why it’s Important to Adjust)

Real Talk- How Kids Change Your Relationship (and why it’s Important to Adjust)

If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that kids absolutely change your relationship. Don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that parenthood is just a continuation of the same love story you had before kids. It’s not. And you know what? That’s okay. Relationships evolve, and when kids come into the picture, they shift the dynamic in ways you might never have imagined.

As a clinical counsellor and certified Bringing Baby Home educator, I’ve worked with countless couples who are navigating the transition from just the two of them to becoming parents. Through this training, along with my expertise in The Gottman Method, I’ve learned that one of the most important things couples can do is understand that the relationship has to be “relearned” three times in life: before kids, during kids, and after the kids leave the house.

Phase 1: Before Kids—You and Your Partner, Just You

Before kids, your relationship is probably all about spontaneous date nights, Netflix binges, and being able to talk for hours without any interruptions. You know each other’s rhythms, needs, and quirks, and there’s a sense of ease in your relationship. But when kids enter the picture, this dynamic shifts drastically.

In this pre-kid phase, you can afford to focus on each other, on your wants, needs, and desires. There’s time for connection, deep conversations, and moments of intimacy that are often put on the back burner after the kids arrive. But as exciting as the idea of adding a little one to the family is, it can also be intimidating, because you know things are going to change.

Pro Tip from the Gottmans: The foundation of a strong relationship is not about perfection, but about the couple’s ability to repair after conflict. This is something I bring into sessions- start practicing good communication habits early on, so that when kiddos come, you have the tools to navigate those inevitable bumps along the way.

Phase 2: During Kids—New Needs, New Challenges

This is where things really shift. The arrival of kids marks a seismic change in the relationship. Suddenly, your need, and your partner’s needs, are different. You go from being lovers and friends to co-parents, and that transition can be difficult.

Kids demand time, energy, and emotional resources. You may find yourself feeling exhausted, touched out, or emotionally drained after a long day of diaper changes, school runs, and temper tantrums. The spontaneous date nights disappear, and the deep conversations become a distant memory. The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of maintaining intimacy even during the most chaotic of parenting years. But here's the trick: it’s not always easy to nurture your relationship while keeping a small human alive.

Gottman Tip: The importance of bids for connection cannot be overstated. Even if you’re exhausted or overwhelmed, taking the time to acknowledge and respond to your partner’s emotional bids is crucial for keeping the connection intact. Whether it’s a quick touch on the arm or a 2-minute check-in before bed, these little moments of attention can make a world of difference.

This phase can feel overwhelming, but it’s also where your relationship can grow stronger than ever, if you allow it. Communicate about the changes you’re both experiencing, and don’t ignore your individual needs.

Phase 3: After Kids Leave—The "Empty Nest" Phase

Ah, the empty nest phase—your kids are grown, and suddenly, it’s just the two of you again. This phase can feel like a second honeymoon, or it can feel like you’re living with a stranger. Why? Because the dynamic has completely changed.

After kids leave, your relationship needs a whole new level of reconnection. You’ve both changed as people, as parents, and now it’s time to reconnect as partners. Without the distractions and responsibilities of raising children, you might find that you’ve grown apart in unexpected ways. But this phase doesn’t have to be awkward. In fact, it can be the most exciting phase of your relationship, if you approach it with intention.

Gottman Tip: You and your partner need to rediscover each other, and the goal is to be intentional about connection. This means carving out time for fun, adventure, and exploring new things together, just like you did in the early days of your relationship. It also means communicating honestly about your emotional needs and acknowledging that both of you have changed over the years.

The Key to Surviving All Three Phases: Communication and Flexibility

In each phase: before kids, during kids, and after, the key is communication. Your needs will shift, and if you don’t talk about it, that’s where the disconnect happens. Talk about what’s changing, what’s hard, and what’s helping. If you’re not on the same page, it’s easy to drift apart.

And if you’re in the middle of raising kids and feel like you’ve lost the connection with your partner, don’t panic. It’s common. Just make sure to actively work on reconnecting, be kind to each other, and continue to communicate through the different stages of your relationship.

Written by: Breanne Jones, Canadian Certified Counsellor, passionate about working with Perinatal Mental Health Issues, Birth Trauma, and Couples, to name a few. Breanne is based out of our Winnipeg, Manitoba chapter and sees Winnipeg folks in person. She also offers online therapy support across Canada. She is our COUPLES GURU and excels in the area!

6 Tips to Support your Own Nervous System as a Parent During Summer-6

6 Tips to Support Your Own Nervous System as a Parent During Summer

Summer can bring a mixture of emotions for parents and children alike. While we may be excited for the warm weather and summer fun… we might also be aware of the extra time to fill at home. The pressure and expectations to have an unforgettable summer or the daily TikTok and Instagram reminders that you only have ____ number of summers left with your children.

As parents, it can feel difficult to balance everything. This is your reminder to be gentle with yourself throughout these summer months. To help you thrive this summer (not just survive!), we have created a list of tips and reminders to keep in mind.

1.The Benefits of Boredom

As parents, we may feel the need or pressure to keep our children busy or entertained during the summer months. While activity planning can be enjoyable, it can also add extra stress for parents juggling multiple demands in their lives. The good news is that there are several benefits associated with boredom. It can provide opportunities for children to participate in unstructured play, engage their creative minds and enhance problem-solving abilities. It also gives the parent or caregiver a moment for themselves.

2. Co-regulation is Key

Although the summer months can be a time for connection and fun, they can also feel swamped. To support your child through the ups and downs of this summer, it is essential to make time for yourself. Prioritizing activities that bring you joy helps you show up for both yourself and your family. These acts of self-care can help us remain calm and regulated when emotions become heightened in the home. Remember, our little ones rely on us to teach them how to handle those big emotions that come up. Co-regulation allows our children to match our emotional state and navigate their own feelings and reactions. By staying grounded and calm ourselves, we are providing them with the feelings of safety and security to get through those moments.

3. Engage Your 5 Senses! (Sight, Sound, Touch, Taste, and Smell)

Summertime offers numerous opportunities to get outside and explore. Try engaging your children's five senses this summer. Encourage children to activate their five senses when in nature, noticing the sights, sounds, and smells around them. Perhaps collecting a few treasures on a nature walk, such as stones or walking sticks. These experiences can lead to mindfulness, which allows us to be fully present in the moment. It can also contribute to feelings of groundedness and emotional regulation. You can get the whole family involved and add in your elements, such as blowing bubbles, sidewalk chalk, and more.

4. Schedule Time for Quiet Activities

With everyone home during the summer months, we know that things can get loud and maybe a little chaotic at times. Scheduling short periods of quiet time for family members to participate in independent activities, such as reading, colouring, building with Lego, or taking a nap, can offer some moments of peace for parents and caregivers in need. In a society that constantly tells us to keep going and be productive, it's essential to start them early in understanding that rest is also productive. Encourage everyone to participate and take a moment to recharge.

5. Family Challenges

Get creative this summer with family challenges that bring everyone together towards a common goal. Make the challenge a day or a week long and brainstorm any age-appropriate activities that work for your children and family members. Does the dog need a walk? Dishes need to be put away? Floor needs to be cleared? Get everyone involved to help out and come up with a fun reward at the end of the challenge. For instance, a game night, pizza dinner, or a prize bin; whatever works best for you! These incentives can offer additional motivation for children to get involved and work together.

6. Reach out to your Support Network

This is your reminder that it’s okay to lean on your support networks and ask for help when you need it. Asking for help is not a weakness but a sign of strength. And a great tool to show your children how to do it early on in life, normalizing that we need one another. Alternatively, you can plan an outing for your child and bring someone along whom you enjoy spending time with. Creating opportunities for connection can enhance the outing for everyone.

You do not need to be a perfect parent during summer; you are allowed to show up as your authentic self and take care of yourself, too!

Written by: Megan Ivancic, Registered Psychologist, passionate about working with: Mom Rage, Perinatal Mental Health Issues, Birth Trauma, to name a few.