What Every Parent Needs to Know after Pregnancy and Infant Loss
What Every Parent Needs to Know after Pregnancy and Infant Loss
Pregnancy and infant loss is one of the most devastating experiences a parent can endure. It’s a loss that is often invisible to the outside world, yet it reshapes everything inside of you. Whether it happens early in pregnancy or after birth, the grief that follows is real, valid, and life-altering. If you’re walking through this right now, or supporting someone who is, here are some things every parent navigating this should know.
Your grief is real, and it matters.
It doesn’t matter how far along you were or how others perceive your loss. Love begins the moment you imagine your baby, and so does grief when that life is gone. Many parents minimize their pain or compare themselves to others, because they didn’t get to hold their baby or because “it wasn’t as far along.” None of that changes the depth of your loss.
There is no timeline for healing.
Some days, you may feel like you can breathe again, and on other days, it may feel like the loss just happened. Grief isn’t linear, and society often offers misconceptions about it, as well as expectations on how someone should be “over it” by a specific time. Grief doesn’t work that way, it comes in waves. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting; it means learning to carry your loss alongside life, moving forward. Give yourself permission to take the time you need, not the time others expect.
Your body may carry reminders.
Pregnancy and infant loss isn’t only emotional, it’s physical. Hormonal changes, postpartum symptoms, milk production, and medical procedures can all amplify the pain. Be gentle with yourself. Your body is not failing you, it has carried love, and now it is navigating an ending it was never supposed to endure.The traumatic aspect of the experience is also taking a toll on your body impacting areas of the brain that are really important for our functioning each day are either on high alert now due to the loss or shutting down.
You are not alone, even if it feels like it.
One in four pregnancies ends in loss, yet many parents feel silenced by stigma and isolation. Sharing your story, hen you are ready and with safe people, can connect you to others who understand. Support groups, online communities, or even one trusted friend can remind you that your grief does not have to be carried alone.
Relationships may change.
Grief affects everyone differently, and that can be really difficult to understand when we are in the thick of it. You and your partner may grieve in opposite ways, one needing to talk, the other needing silence. Friends or family may not know what to say. Some may avoid you out of discomfort. This can feel like a second loss, or what we call in psychology, secondary losses. Surround yourself with people who can hold space for your grief without judgment or pressure.
It’s okay to hold both love and pain.
The constant push and pull of opposing emotions is exhausting. You may feel joy when you see a friend’s baby and devastation in the same breath. You may smile one moment and sob the next. This duality is part of grieving a child and is complex. Love for your baby will always live alongside the ache of their absence. Both are true, and both are allowed to take up space.
Remembering your baby is healing.
Naming your baby, creating rituals, keeping mementos, writing letters, planting a tree, all of these acts of remembrance are not signs of being “stuck.” They are sacred ways of honouring your child’s existence and keeping their memory alive in your family story. Inviting others into that experience can also be helpful.
Professional support can help.
Loss at this level shakes your nervous system, your identity, and your sense of safety. Therapy, support groups, and trauma-informed care can help you navigate not only the grief but also the anxiety, guilt, or depression that may follow. Reaching for help is not a weakness; it is part of how you survive this.
It’s okay if Hope feels Fragile.
In the depths of loss, hope may feel impossible. Many around you may have the expectation of you to move on, or to express gratitude or hope. You don’t have to. You are allowed to approach hope with caution; you are allowed to feel like it is an emotion that feels far away. The more we create space to understand hope’s fragility, the more likely we are to experience it truly again.
One more thought…
Your baby mattered. Your grief matters. And you deserve support as you navigate this heartbreaking path.
If you’re reading this in the rawness of fresh loss, know this: you are not broken. You are a parent, forever connected to the baby you love. And though this journey is unbearably heavy, you do not have to walk it alone.
Written by: Dr. Teela Tomassetti (PsyD)- Registered Provisional Psychologist, Perinatal Researcher and the Founder of RPTC. Teela is passionate about supporting birth trauma survivors and loss parents, as well as those struggling with fertility. Stay tuned for groups and workshops being offered by her in these areas. You can find her @theteaonbirthtrauma.
Trauma-Informed Care- not just a buzzword here
It all begins with an idea.
In recent years, the concept of trauma-informed care has gained significant traction across various fields, and let’s be real, it has become quite the buzzword. You don't have to look far from healthcare and education to criminal justice and social services to see the phrase used. But what does it truly mean to be “trauma-informed,” and why is it so crucial to the work that we do at RPTC?
What Is Trauma-Informed Care?
Trauma-informed care (TIC) is an approach that recognizes the widespread impact of trauma and understands potential paths for recovery. It shifts the traditional question from “What’s wrong with you?” to “What happened to you?”—promoting compassion, empathy, and understanding rather than blame or judgment. The goal is to create environments that are physically and emotionally safe, where individuals feel empowered and supported in their healing journey so that they can open up and break free from the silence that often keeps them stuck.
Understanding Trauma
Trauma is not limited to physical injuries or dramatic events. It encompasses a wide range of experiences that overwhelm a person’s ability to cope. It is truly a subjective experience and one that the individual does not choose, but their nervous system's clock that event or moment in time as trauma. What is upsetting to one may not be to the next. This is a deep consideration that we have for the work we do at RPTC. We acknowledge that each person who steps through our doors is unique, as is that nervous system, and that we need to consider how THEY view their story, not how we or society may come to understand it. Part of how we work with the communities we serve is having a thorough and clear understanding of how the brain works and the various areas that take a hit because of the traumatic event.
How does Trauma-Informed Care Show up at RPTC?
We know that it is truly the client who gets to decide if they have experienced trauma-informed care. And there are considerations that we make as a centre to help that to happen:
Safety: Ensuring physical and emotional safety for clients and staff.
Trustworthiness and Transparency: Building trust through clear, honest communication.
Peer Support: Incorporating voices and experiences of those with lived trauma.
Collaboration and Mutuality: Levelling power dynamics; everyone has a role in healing.
Empowerment, Voice, and Choice: Supporting individuals in making their own choices. Offer options to foster autonomy and self-agency.
Create predictable environments: Consistency fosters a sense of safety and stability.
Cultural, Historical, and Gender Sensitivity: Recognizing systemic trauma and addressing biases.
Language: We know the power of our words, and we choose them carefully.
Practice self-awareness: Reflect on our own reactions and potential biases.
CONSENT, CONSENT, CONSENT. Consent is our work's foundation and an ongoing process at RPTC.
The Benefits of Trauma-Informed Care
Why is this so important to us? Because the communities we support with birth trauma, pregnancy loss, fertility and infertility struggles, maternal and paternal mental health, endometriosis, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Perimenopause, and IUD trauma, they all share a few things in common. Often, they express being harmed or not feeling heard by systems and other providers. They have frequently felt dismissed or minimized and as if they cannot take up space with their trauma. Many have dealt with isolation for years or even decades, and being in a trauma-informed environment allows the opportunity to break free from the isolation and move into healing.
Final Thoughts
Trauma-informed care is more than a checklist—it is more than a buzzword—it’s a philosophy that centers empowerment, dignity, and connection. In a world where trauma is more common than we often acknowledge, embracing this approach is not just compassionate—it’s essential. So, we will continue to amplify silenced experiences at RPTC and work from a trauma-informed lens. We may not always get it perfectly, but we will do our absolute best to try.
Dr. Teela Tomassetti, Founder and Registered Provisional Psychologist specializing in birth trauma.