Real Talk- How Kids Change Your Relationship (and why it’s Important to Adjust)

If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that kids absolutely change your relationship. Don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that parenthood is just a continuation of the same love story you had before kids. It’s not. And you know what? That’s okay. Relationships evolve, and when kids come into the picture, they shift the dynamic in ways you might never have imagined.

As a clinical counsellor and certified Bringing Baby Home educator, I’ve worked with countless couples who are navigating the transition from just the two of them to becoming parents. Through this training, along with my expertise in The Gottman Method, I’ve learned that one of the most important things couples can do is understand that the relationship has to be “relearned” three times in life: before kids, during kids, and after the kids leave the house.

Phase 1: Before Kids—You and Your Partner, Just You

Before kids, your relationship is probably all about spontaneous date nights, Netflix binges, and being able to talk for hours without any interruptions. You know each other’s rhythms, needs, and quirks, and there’s a sense of ease in your relationship. But when kids enter the picture, this dynamic shifts drastically.

In this pre-kid phase, you can afford to focus on each other, on your wants, needs, and desires. There’s time for connection, deep conversations, and moments of intimacy that are often put on the back burner after the kids arrive. But as exciting as the idea of adding a little one to the family is, it can also be intimidating, because you know things are going to change.

Pro Tip from the Gottmans: The foundation of a strong relationship is not about perfection, but about the couple’s ability to repair after conflict. This is something I bring into sessions- start practicing good communication habits early on, so that when kiddos come, you have the tools to navigate those inevitable bumps along the way.

Phase 2: During Kids—New Needs, New Challenges

This is where things really shift. The arrival of kids marks a seismic change in the relationship. Suddenly, your need, and your partner’s needs, are different. You go from being lovers and friends to co-parents, and that transition can be difficult.

Kids demand time, energy, and emotional resources. You may find yourself feeling exhausted, touched out, or emotionally drained after a long day of diaper changes, school runs, and temper tantrums. The spontaneous date nights disappear, and the deep conversations become a distant memory. The Gottman Method emphasizes the importance of maintaining intimacy even during the most chaotic of parenting years. But here's the trick: it’s not always easy to nurture your relationship while keeping a small human alive.

Gottman Tip: The importance of bids for connection cannot be overstated. Even if you’re exhausted or overwhelmed, taking the time to acknowledge and respond to your partner’s emotional bids is crucial for keeping the connection intact. Whether it’s a quick touch on the arm or a 2-minute check-in before bed, these little moments of attention can make a world of difference.

This phase can feel overwhelming, but it’s also where your relationship can grow stronger than ever, if you allow it. Communicate about the changes you’re both experiencing, and don’t ignore your individual needs.

Phase 3: After Kids Leave—The "Empty Nest" Phase

Ah, the empty nest phase—your kids are grown, and suddenly, it’s just the two of you again. This phase can feel like a second honeymoon, or it can feel like you’re living with a stranger. Why? Because the dynamic has completely changed.

After kids leave, your relationship needs a whole new level of reconnection. You’ve both changed as people, as parents, and now it’s time to reconnect as partners. Without the distractions and responsibilities of raising children, you might find that you’ve grown apart in unexpected ways. But this phase doesn’t have to be awkward. In fact, it can be the most exciting phase of your relationship, if you approach it with intention.

Gottman Tip: You and your partner need to rediscover each other, and the goal is to be intentional about connection. This means carving out time for fun, adventure, and exploring new things together, just like you did in the early days of your relationship. It also means communicating honestly about your emotional needs and acknowledging that both of you have changed over the years.

The Key to Surviving All Three Phases: Communication and Flexibility

In each phase: before kids, during kids, and after, the key is communication. Your needs will shift, and if you don’t talk about it, that’s where the disconnect happens. Talk about what’s changing, what’s hard, and what’s helping. If you’re not on the same page, it’s easy to drift apart.

And if you’re in the middle of raising kids and feel like you’ve lost the connection with your partner, don’t panic. It’s common. Just make sure to actively work on reconnecting, be kind to each other, and continue to communicate through the different stages of your relationship.

Written by: Breanne Jones, Canadian Certified Counsellor, passionate about working with Perinatal Mental Health Issues, Birth Trauma, and Couples, to name a few. Breanne is based out of our Winnipeg, Manitoba chapter and sees Winnipeg folks in person. She also offers online therapy support across Canada. She is our COUPLES GURU and excels in the area!